Birthdays Coming Soon & emotional release

Okay, so hang tight for the birthday zoo. Kole's birthday is this week and Jadyn and Donnie's is in the next two weeks. Nika and I were born on the same day in April and Milana's is at the end of April. Just thought I'd give you all a warning of birthday midnight madness. WOOOHOOOO!!! Very excited about all these birthdays... it's a blast. Pictures will follow. =0) Also can we freeze time for a minute... Kole is turning 5... a whole hand! And he figured out how to read! "Holey rusted metal, Batman! The ground. It's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey." What an amazing little boy I have!

Also 8 weeks until Milana's 2nd birthday... what do you think? Is it possible to make it? This morning I lay awake after Jadyn woke me up at 1am and I just sat crying silently in Milana's bed. I know it doesn't behoove me to be angry and sad, but I am and only at 1am when everyone else is asleep can I cry & pray & no one sees. I also know it doesn't behoove whomever is holding things up to be work-shy and yes I went there. I really just want to know now... is she going to be our's? Will she really come home? I really feel after 9 months that this is just part of my routine now that will never end. I am having the worst time being in limbo. I don't want to endure this anymore... I'm not giving up, I just need a release.

My thoughts are not kind, friendly, and light when I think about the journey at this point in time. I don't have a journal... this is the closest thing to it so even if it is sinful to be angry or sad, I know it's also sinful to lie and I'm very real baby! I am NO June Cleaver and I do hurt... oh and I can't really cook. ha ha At this point, I'll believe it when I see it.

I just had to get this out so that I can focus on happy thoughts for birthdays. My children do not deserve me being unhappy so my "journal" aka blog gets the brunt of the sadness. My children are a wonderful joy & gift and I'm glad that this journey has not turned me into the total pits, but I can tell you, I am a lot more fun when I'm not thinking about this all the time. I am so very grateful for my family, for my husband and my children and very blessed and fortunate to have them in my lives; I love them with every piece of my being. That is what is so hard and cruel right now... I know what I'm missing with Milana... I know what we're missing and it's hard to put it out of my head when every single giggle and family secret laughter reminds of the one who isn't there.

Why shouldn't I be allowed to discuss my feelings? I spend so much time reading to my children, books that speak about feelings and learning how to embrace them, so right now, I'm embracing mine. Anger Management is just that, management... not eradication. This (blogging) is how I'm managing mine so it doesn't become all-consuming. So if you all are wondering how I'm doing or holding up, I'm managing just fine, but that doesn't mean I'm not sad, angry, or depressed at times. So coming up, you'll see a lot of happy family moments... but don't think for a second that I have forgotten the one not in my home, but in my heart.

So this concludes the test of Sara's anger management... this was only a test. ;0) ha ha