Connections

(oops, it was brought to my attention... thank you Lora =0)... that I may sound angry in this post. Not at all angry. =0) I just couldn't put my finger on what bothered me about the word attachment until now... I think it may come from people saying, "you're children are attached at the hip" in a negative manner. Or how the subject of attachment frightens some parents I've spoken with. I just like different words... you may all continue using attachment... like you need my permission anyways! ha ha Who knows?). p.s. I hate ticking clocks but that doesn't mean we need to get rid of them, right?! ;0)

Connections. What in the world am I talking about? In other language, attachment. i just don't like the word attachment. To me it represents velcro... it's either on or off or hanging by minuscule threads or worse... velcro loses it's stick!! Attachment with your child is not hit or miss. It is not a one time deal. Attachment comes up often when adopting and some parents are under the misconception that you either have it or you don't. That is simply not the case. I hear parents talk about how they thought that their child was securely attached (again velcro) and they come to find years later that they are not. It's like that saying, "Where did I go wrong?"

First off, Life doesn't work that way. Maybe with gravity... what goes up, must come down, but we have found ways around that through using our brains!

That's it! Connections, attachments or whatever you like to call it that makes sense to you, start in the brain! Problems: brains are complex and we can't mind- read! ah man! Luckily we can study behavior since we don't have crystal balls.

I like to think of connections like this: A Gigantic Switchboard! You know those ones that operators used to use with the plug in wires to make telephone connections. Imagine a switchboard with someone who is quite educated & can pull and plug those lines without ever getting tangled or making one mistake. That is what I consider someone who has all their screws in the right place... that person... I hate to tell ya, doesn't exist! It's a utopia.

So now that image of perfection is gone & we notice that all of us have some varying degree of tangled wires, how do we make connections that are clear cut with a child who has very tangled wires... ones that we have never experienced before?

We get in there, down and dirty... we dive in and start plugging and unplugging. Often times a child will un-do the work we have done. Start again... do not get discouraged.

A child has instincts and learns either family skills in a nurturing environment or survival skills in one that lacks basic needs and sometimes a variety of both. Survival skills are very handy but often do not work well in a home family environment. It is not that a child is fighting velcro attachment, it's that their connections are crossed and tangled. When we work diligently to over-ride the brain trauma, it may feel unnatural to the child and the child constantly reverts to these old connections of homeostasis. Humans love to maintain stability.. love it like ice cream. Problem is... that stability comes at a price... your body goes by what feels normal and safe. With a child who has fantastic survival skills and not enough family skills, they appear "unattached" when in fact, they are doing what feels natural.

Now comes the hard part, getting the child to let go of the survival skills over and over again until it starts to feel natural. This can take a lifetime. So how is it that people can think attachment happens instantly when repairing these connections takes a lifetime? I still fight some of my survival skills. That "over-ride" button is another part of our brain that takes years to mature.

Here's another way to look at it. This is something I wrote a while ago. "I view this subject in a different light. I view attachment as something that needs "tune-ups" every once in a while. Just as a marriage needs constant "dates", one must take a temperature reading of their children at different points in their lives. I am constantly re-evaluating my children's needs and finding it a worthy challenge to try and stay on top of. A child that may definitely be attached at one point in their lives can definitely find themselves with questioning behavior at another stage in their lives. I am not saying this is made up, but a child grows learns and reevaluates the world often... why shouldn't we?

I do not view it as "regression" if a child is attached and then later exhibits attachment concerns, but more as check to see if all their "tools in their toolbox" are doing the job correctly. These behaviors exist for a reason; the same reason a rattle noise makes us check the car. A relationship needs maintenance no matter which kind so make sure that it is met, so your child has all the tools necessary when they are "on their own" one day. They truly are never on their own though. Ask my mom of 10.

I definitely find my "mommy toolbox" in need of some serious power tools sometimes and expect this for years to come. Please don't consider therapy if needed, etc. as a bad thing like you didn't notice signs in time... think of it as going shopping for more tools or for girly girls... "shoes to work with every outfit".

So go in there, get those tools out, get those connections flowing with clarity, keep looking forward... you can't change the past but you can write the future!