Sunday, March 29, 2009

Quick Tidbits & count down freeze

Alright we'll get to the count down freeze... one of which I can't really talk about yet, but we'll say it involves a certain judge requiring more paperchase from us and we'll see how it all pans out. My waiting friends, I will tell you as soon as I can and you will have time to make adjustments if necessary to your paperwork. I know, I'm talking in code, but I have to make sure I get through this adoption. So off to life now.

Our family hasn't gotten a break from the sick bug. Poor Nika went in today for an ear infection and a cold going a little bit into her lungs. Up all night with my little one, with a cold myself (which I'd take a thousand times over watching Nika cry in pain until the pain killer kicks in, just trying to make it to morning to go to urgent care). Jadyn and Kole seem to be hanging tough & I'm knocking on serious wood, but I think they passed this cold. Donnie is a different story. Oy.

But... good news ha ha... I actually have some! Nika has chosen to join our church and be baptized, very special. I have some pictures I'll post later from this weekend. Family came out for Nika's baptism and we got to hang out. It was 3 sisters, a brother, a few nieces and a brother in law. That's always fun. Luckily Nika's sickness didn't pop up until last night so she did get to enjoy the visit. I wasn't going to post pics with the family, but since I think one sister was making fun of my blogging and that the pics would show up here... hee hee now I think they are gonna! ;0) Love you chewie.

Nika's, Milana's and my birthday are still to come... hopefully Nika is well by then and nothing else sneaks in. Hopefully this last paperwork issue is the last paperwork issue. Hopefully, we'll be able to make it to vacation in Arizona to visit my family shortly with no problems. And hopefully all my friends are well out there in blogland and adoptionland, since I'm a bit overworked lately. Still hanging tough and hopefully I will have a fun & funny something to share soon.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Two Weeks Down

Edit!! Ha ha I can't count! I put 74 and it should have been 76~! Except I just noticed today would have been 75 so make 74 tomorrow... ha ha ha Confused yet?

So that means if worst case scenario happens of 90 days past bad news....we have 74 more days to go. Yes, I'm counting days... It's all I have right now. My agency says there is always "hopefully sooner." We just don't know where we are in court, meaning we could have just begun. Back to my waiting corner.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

HaPpY BiRthDaY Jadyn and Donnie!

Jadyn, here is Pucca for you. =0) Jadyn calls this Pucca Hello Kitty

Donnie, just for you ;0) konvexx Donnie has his own music style that I can't replicate. Okay how about some MXC... p.s. Not PG rated. MXC I just put the link, not the video embedded. These game shows make me laugh tears... and then Donnie laughs at me.

And one just for fun (this one is more G rated)

My little chameleon has turned three! Jadyn you are such a little go-getter and you change super heroes like your underpants! You have always made sure that you are never left out, even if it means sitting on us! You are such a happy Jade Dragon and beautiful Jade Bird... you love life every minute & bring such an amazing spice & zing to this family. You were this quiet little child until up to a year old & then bam, you exploded onto the scene like a hummingbird, going a million miles an hour and charming everyone on your way. Your imagination is something to admire and your mommy loves every minute that you pretend with her. Your squeak and laugh are infectious and I am loving every minute that I watch you grow and learn; which you absorb some much silliness & knowledge from your siblings & make a funny twist on it. Thank you for being my little "Just Jadyn" and for giving me the priceless gift of being amazed at your every turn; I can't even imagine what you'll do in life because of your brilliant spontenaity, but I know it will be full of love, passion and charity. I love you forever my Jadyn. Happy birthday and happy pink chocolate Batman cake with blue writing... little Miss Thang!

Introducing Mama's version of a pink chocolate Batman cake.

Monkey in the Box.. hee hee

Daddy all tucked in for a winter's nap, complete with Jadyn's blankie & kitty. awwww

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Just ride the ride! Good News!

"Just heard that the documents we were waiting on have been completed and submitted to the court. The court has what it needs to move forward." AHHHHHHH

Can I say what and hello and OH YEAH! Okay just ride the ride with me because this is on a crazy upswing! I feel like I am back on the Colossus at magic mountain... that thing is wild and scares me so much. I screamed the whole time! Emotion wise... email from agency caused shaking, pacing, jumping emphatically, and all sorts of jumbled happiness. I had hunkered down for a long haul. I even got a compliment of handling this with "grace"! Ha.. me? Grace? I didn't know those two words went in the same sentence... I've always wanted them to, but never thought they would be aimed at me. I thought about not sharing but how torturous for you & for me sitting on happiness. We all need more happiness. Heaven forbid, but if bad news comes again... we'll get through it and good news... I'm counting on you! I finally feel good and excited... nothing else in mother's intuition is saying something is wrong. Full speed ahead, arms up & enjoy the ride! WOOOOO

Monday, March 9, 2009

Our Final Will Not Be Anytime Soon.

I wrote this post on paper after the children went to sleep. This will be long. Oh and I have permission to post all this info from my agency so no worries there.

I spent an hour & a half on the phone with the director of our agency & it is not good news. Okay about the first 20 minutes on the phone, I just sobbed as she talked. Our agency was notified that there is a birthparent paperwork issue that needs to be worked out. Court has completely halted for now.

I am going to write some of Milana's birthgiver info because I am comfortable sharing and all that comes with it. I understand fully that it is hers, but I also know that it will be ours as she comes home and we discuss this openly with all of our children. Our children will know that there is nothing to be ashamed of and we can talk about and make it through anything. I am sharing so future families know of the risks associated with such cases ahead of time as well as know agencies' hands are fairly tied when papers are in Taiwan.

Our child's birthgivers are in prison and the govt. social worker needs them to sign papers for court. They have already signed relinquishment papers; this is something else that either the judge, clerk, or SLC needs to submit the complete package for the adoption to be ruled on. This will take time and there are no guarantees. I asked if a good time guesstimate would surpass 6 months. Our director said no and her best guess would be 30 to 90 days... again just a guess.

Now we have to go through the correct channels through our agency, SLC their social workers, govt. social workers, prison workers & court workers to resolve this. We also have to remember that we are bridging a gap between two very different cultures and have to respect their ways of life. The Emancipated American in me has to reign herself in and practice deep patience if we want Milana to come home. If anyone gets involved from the outside and the proper channels are not followed, it could jeopardize our adoption and we don't want that at all. So I am asking any of my well-meaning friends that may know any channels in TW to NOT (I repeat NOT) contact anyone on our behalf. Thank you for thinking of us though. We are confident we are in good hands and SLC workers are definitely on top of this.

I had a gut feeling something was wrong, especially regarding the birthgivers' inability to sign papers. I even wrote to our agency about this deep fear & everything checked out ok at that time, but one guarantee about adopting is nothing is written in stone and we have to make sure we do all things legally and correctly. It took a while to find that problem, but my gut feeling proved to be correct. Finally, I knew I wasn't crazy or delusional about my feeling; something was wrong and now that it has reared it's head, we can work through it. I also know we've done everything in our power to further this adoption (I double checked and asked if there was anything more we could do); our agency is doing everything they can do & now it is up to some very awesome SLC social workers we've never met to advocate for us & get the govt. social worker & birthgivers to make ends meet.

I know we will not see Milana's second birthday and we can go shopping for her and celebrate here instead. I know we will see many friends pick up their children and get to see the miracle of families being made. We know our wait after referral may reach a year or more. Unfortunately, I have no idea how this journey will end, but at least we've identified the problem. It is way worse not knowing what is wrong but having mother's intuition haunt you that something is terribly wrong (which is part of the reason I was angry earlier... to feel that hover over you and you feel helpless to calm it). We hope and pray that it is His will for this problem to be resolved and Milana to be home in OUR home one day, with a prayer too that we will find comfort and peace during this time.

On a very happy note!!! Two lovely friends have just received First Decree and are expected to travel soon!!! CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS on such a huge occasion. May you travel swiftly and safely and have a very sweet homecoming. Remember how blessed and fortunate you are and give your little boys hugs for me. =0) Congrats Mama"M" and Mama "S" (initials in case they prefer anonymity). =0)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Story Time

Yup, I have a story for ya.
I cried today. I walked into the kitchen to pour the cereal for the kids and I put down the bowls on a grainy feeling counter. I lifted them to find a pile of protein shake powder poured on the counter as I do every morning. Donnie leaves for work early and always pours protein powder into a baggie to take to work with him and I always get a counter that is fit for tap dancing.

So instead of rolling my eyes and wiping the counter, the tears started and a story I read came to me. It is a story of an elderly married couple who started relearning how to love each other after the children had grown and moved away. One thing that bugged the wife so badly was splattered toothpaste on the mirror that she had to wipe off every morning. She complained to her husband about it everyday and it never resolved itself. As life passed, her husband passed away. She came home and wiped the toothpaste off for the last time. The next day, she brushed her teeth noticing for the first time that she was splattering the toothpaste on the mirror as well. She wished that she had not cared so much about the toothpaste and more about the fact that he was there to make it with her. She had never thought that she was making messes as well. How hard would it be to brush her teeth everyday and see the mess she made and remember all the times she yelled at him to stop. She had missed out on so many years that she could have been focusing on being happy that he was there to spend her life with.

So instead of being grumpy about protein shake powder, I was so glad to have my husband here to clean up after. I sat there looking at protein powder, crying happy tears to see it. I hope that I see little messes all over for many many years to come. So Donnie, thank you for leaving shaving hairs near the sink and floor by the trash can. Thank you for leaving little bits of powder on the counter. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Happy Birthday You Handsome Man!

Kole, this song is just for you my man! You bring so much joy to my life and make me smile everyday with your quirky fun and sayings. You are rocking this world with the 5 years you've graced it with your presence. I know you'll make your life an awesome masterpiece and I'm loving every second I am a part of it, more than you'll ever know. Thank you for being my boy and giving me super "melty" bear hugs. I love you forever and always. Have the best birthday week!

I love the look of surprise on a child's face!

Give my kid a pirate sword...

Sheer joy of a birthday song!

He looks like he's going to explode! ha ha

Jadyn took this picture of Nika for you Kole!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Birthdays Coming Soon & emotional release

Okay, so hang tight for the birthday zoo. Kole's birthday is this week and Jadyn and Donnie's is in the next two weeks. Nika and I were born on the same day in April and Milana's is at the end of April. Just thought I'd give you all a warning of birthday midnight madness. WOOOHOOOO!!! Very excited about all these birthdays... it's a blast. Pictures will follow. =0) Also can we freeze time for a minute... Kole is turning 5... a whole hand! And he figured out how to read! "Holey rusted metal, Batman! The ground. It's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey." What an amazing little boy I have!

Also 8 weeks until Milana's 2nd birthday... what do you think? Is it possible to make it? This morning I lay awake after Jadyn woke me up at 1am and I just sat crying silently in Milana's bed. I know it doesn't behoove me to be angry and sad, but I am and only at 1am when everyone else is asleep can I cry & pray & no one sees. I also know it doesn't behoove whomever is holding things up to be work-shy and yes I went there. I really just want to know now... is she going to be our's? Will she really come home? I really feel after 9 months that this is just part of my routine now that will never end. I am having the worst time being in limbo. I don't want to endure this anymore... I'm not giving up, I just need a release.

My thoughts are not kind, friendly, and light when I think about the journey at this point in time. I don't have a journal... this is the closest thing to it so even if it is sinful to be angry or sad, I know it's also sinful to lie and I'm very real baby! I am NO June Cleaver and I do hurt... oh and I can't really cook. ha ha At this point, I'll believe it when I see it.

I just had to get this out so that I can focus on happy thoughts for birthdays. My children do not deserve me being unhappy so my "journal" aka blog gets the brunt of the sadness. My children are a wonderful joy & gift and I'm glad that this journey has not turned me into the total pits, but I can tell you, I am a lot more fun when I'm not thinking about this all the time. I am so very grateful for my family, for my husband and my children and very blessed and fortunate to have them in my lives; I love them with every piece of my being. That is what is so hard and cruel right now... I know what I'm missing with Milana... I know what we're missing and it's hard to put it out of my head when every single giggle and family secret laughter reminds of the one who isn't there.

Why shouldn't I be allowed to discuss my feelings? I spend so much time reading to my children, books that speak about feelings and learning how to embrace them, so right now, I'm embracing mine. Anger Management is just that, management... not eradication. This (blogging) is how I'm managing mine so it doesn't become all-consuming. So if you all are wondering how I'm doing or holding up, I'm managing just fine, but that doesn't mean I'm not sad, angry, or depressed at times. So coming up, you'll see a lot of happy family moments... but don't think for a second that I have forgotten the one not in my home, but in my heart.

So this concludes the test of Sara's anger management... this was only a test. ;0) ha ha